Back in the days Before Technology, when I was growing up, we entertained ourselves by interacting with other kids.
This usually involved riding bikes or climbing trees, making up games or going to imaginary places. But sometimes we’d talk about Really Important Stuff like –
I would nearly always answer –
Or sometimes –
Keep in mind, it was the 80s.
The Cold War was going strong and the threat of nuclear destruction loomed large in the news. As did the famine in Ethiopia, which parents used with masterful effect at the dinner table.
Popular music had a lot to say on such matters, too.
All in all, it was pretty clear to me that it was our responsibility as a generation to solve problems like world poverty and conflict.
Among other things – such as inventing a prosthetic copper kneecap, so my mother would no longer suffer from arthritis – I planned to become a nun and help the world’s poor. Like Mother Teresa. Only protestant.
I practised by wearing a sheet on my head while reading the Bible on the slippery dip in the backyard.
I may have taken my responsibilities to all humankind a little more gravely than most kids my age, but it must be said, this wasn’t an entirely selfless impulse. In my elaborate imaginary world, my Good Deeds would earn me universal approval and recognition.
Sunday School also instilled in me the importance of being gentle. Should the day come when I was smote on the right cheek, I would be poised to offer the left one for a second smiting.
Or so I told myself.
I had conveniently forgotten that as a five-year-old I threw a piggy bank chock-full of copper coins at my younger brother in response to some pretty low-grade verbal provocation.
Not only was my brother younger and smaller than me, but he had some very definite views about pants – namely that life was much better without them. So, there he stood, small and pantslessly vulnerable as I hurled the piggy (formerly a guest at my backyard tea party) with every hope that it would crush his skull.
This was by no means an isolated incident. In high school, I consistently chose the path of most resistance in response to the merciless teasing of my male friends.
These early forays into violence didn’t go so well for me. The piggy bank episode saw me banished to my room, and my satchel-swinging fury only ever succeeded in escalating the high school teasing. Clearly I would need to curb this ferocity if I hoped to achieve anything Good in the world.
Then, as a 20-year-old, working in a summer job at university, I became friends with a 27-year-old vegan lesbian anarchist who attempted to expand my worldview with a slightly more sophisticated version of the playground What If game.
Her argument made sense, but I couldn’t see how it gelled with my aspirations to be an ambassador for peace. I stowed it in my bank of Important Things to Think About Later.
A year after my refusal to kill Hitler, I made friends with a funny, spunky law student who had an inexplicable crush on her weasel-faced ex.
Weasel Face was pasty and scrawny with unwashed rat-brown hair that straggled down to his hunched shoulders. He worked at Macca’s, but considered himself to be a writer in the mould of Jack Kerouac.
It was a classic you-could-do-so-much-better scenario, but my friend didn’t want to do better. She wanted Weasel Face back.
One night, I was out with a group of extended friends, drinking and talking. As the night wore on, people left one by one. Until I found myself alone with Weasel Face.
I still couldn’t fathom what my friend saw in him, but he didn’t seem so unbearably offensive one-on-one. I stayed and played a couple of games of pool with him. Finally I told him I was heading home, and he asked if he could come with me.
He was persistent.
How was it that this worm still held my friend’s heart in the palm of his grimy little hands and didn’t appreciate how very lucky he was?
I left him standing at the taxi rank, looking forlorn.
It was pitiful, and more than a little funny. But I didn’t mention it to anyone.
I knew I had the power to destroy him, and it was a deeply uncomfortable feeling.
The next time we saw each other, it was in another large group at a pub. Weasel Face was sitting at my table, needling a gay friend who was sitting with us.
I made the fairly mild and none-too-original observation that his homophobia suggested he might be uncomfortable with his own sexuality. Weasel Face bit back venomously.
To begin with, I was stunned.
But as he continued to rant, my hackles rose.
That didn’t look like happening any time soon, and I felt no inclination to argue with him. I didn’t value his opinion, and he didn’t value mine. So why was he trying to cow me with his disapproval?
I really did just want him to stop talking.
I made a surprisingly calm and measured decision.
And his reaction was unexpectedly satisfying.
For a second I was at a loss for what to do. I knew I couldn’t sit back down with him at the table and continue as if nothing had happened. So I picked up my bag and left.
I headed for the bus stop with a spring in my step.
It was in that moment that I finally recognised my childhood ambitions for the fantasies they were. I had never been cut out to save the world through passive resistance.
Having tasted the power of standing up for myself, it was clear to me: I was destined to be a Bandit Queen.
When I grow up.
How the light gets in 
Brilliant! Whether you choose the path of nun or ninja, you are an inspiration : )
Wow! Thanks, Anna 🙂
I love this!
Wow. Just delightful, all the way through. Understated–both art and text–and crystal clear. But, I hope you’ll revisit that save-the-world vision. There are many ways to help–including perhaps cartoons on poverty and injustice.
Thank you! I like your suggestion about not losing the vision, too. I hope some of the things I write about (such as anxiety and depression) have this kind of scope – to help people think about and deal with bigger issues, as well as getting a giggle.
Great writing “and stuff”… There were some Queen’s English things that i had to decipher from context, but I loved it and the illustrations as well.
http://jwolffblog.wordpress.com/
I’m glad you enjoyed it! It was a King James edition of the Bible I was reading on the slippery dip as a kid. I’m sure its ‘Verily I say unto thee’ style of storytelling has permanently corrupted my language skills!
I couldn’t stop reading this. Delightful and reel.
Hahaha, this is absolutely brilliant:’)
“I smote him” !! I love it! And I can relate to your childhood fantasies. Oy. I never smote anyone though. Good job! 🙂
I was more talking about slippery-dips…
Ha! Of course. I laughed pretty hard at myself when I read that. I completely forgot about how those familiar things can have very unfamiliar labels across British/Australian/US English.
This is so amusing. What a clever combination of anecdotes and illustration. I love it.
Congrats on making Freshly Pressed! 🙂
Love it!
Anger can be channeled into a knuckle sandwich or a choice that one can not refuse. A threat, a coax, and finally an abomb. Be forewarn the sheep which lays down with the lions gets eaten. The sheep that is armed with an AK47 does not get eaten. Power is a bitch, not having it is a bitch, and knuckles sandwiches scrap ones knuckles. What is good for the goose may not be good for the gander. What is right I do not know.
Like your writing style and your gumption! And the illustrations too, and the way you think.
Oh gosh, I remember smoting a whole bundle of people once for trying to make me kiss someone with a long and pointy nose in a game of spin-the-bottle. But I just love your ninja-bandit outfit, I am sure you could start a new trend.
Loved reading this 🙂
I hope you succeeded in your quest not to be kissed! I’m happy to say I was never roped in to a game of spin-the-bottle. I’m not sure I would have coped!
Awwww this was just touching. Thank you for your words!!!!
Awesome post. Thanks.
Very moving post – words fail me. All I can say is that I’ve never heard them called “slippery boards” before. We had one in the backyard too back in the day (R.I.P. pet spider that I took down it in the hood of my jacket). Oh – and I also draw comics. You can find them at http://pezcita.wordpress.com/
Oh no! Poor pet spider. At least he ended his days in an adventure with you 🙂 thanks for sharing you cute cartoons, too.
Thanks, everyone, for your funny and encouraging comments. It’s really exciting to hear all your thoughts and responses!
Loved this! Did a quick unscientific check “slippery dip” “slide” and “chute” were the preferred options. Each person thinking they were mutually exclusive! It was a chute in Glasgow. I particularly liked the smoting of each cheek.
Ooh, I like ‘chute’! It sounds like the perfect launch device for a child’s space adventure.
Thanks for the giggle!
Woowoiie…!!! hahahahah!!!
All hail the bandit queen! 🙂
Oops! Someone clicked the complaints link. Should I be worried? I wonder if it was ’cause of the violence? Or maybe it was the nudie drawing of my little brother?
Amazing! Wanting to be a bandit queen is nothing to be ashamed of! On the opposite it’s a great goal working for.
Anyone who wants to be Kerouac deserves a punch in the face, and anyone who needles someone for being a homosexual while trying to be Kerouac should be set on fire.We have enough kissing bandits..what we need these days is a b**** slap bandit.Hell, I’d hire one full time.
Bwahaha! You’ll have to google that. I bet you could find one – but they probably don’t come cheap.
Well written and delightful. Congrats!
So awesome. Praise be the Bandit Queen.
Loved the story. It was great.
That was awesome!
I haven’t served up a knuckle sandwich in years! =-)
So glad yours was so satisfying!!
Congrat on getting pressed!!
Thanks, Plant Girl. I like the way you describe a knuckle sandwich as something you serve up – it makes it sound like the world’s most surprising and unhappy culinary experience!
Reblogged this on roehilldotnet.
This is awesome..yep, awesome
Nice, “I smote him..” couldn’t stop laughing!
I just loved this! And even though Weasel Face was, well, a weasel, I was ROFL at “visiting brothels is part of my craft”. Seriously? I mean, seriously??
I know. I still can’t think of an appropriate (verbal) response to someone who makes a declaration like that!
I definately recognise some of these situations ..awesome ! : ) trees
Reblogged this on A Life Story Through Style.
I don’t know what to say…I’m very impressed. The story was very entertaining and it kept me hook all the way till the end!
Hahahahhaha!! Oh my days!! Where has this blog been all my life!
loved the post.
excellent art …I liked ..”my face..my faace”….hahahahaha
Congratulations on being FP!
Awesome! I really identified with some of what you wrote, and it was fun to read. Rock on!
This is true. Violence is a reasonable answer to some problems and often times is the only answer or is the best answer.
The problem today is people are taught they are not allowed to defend themselves and it is someone else’s responsibility to fix the problem, never yours.
I’m glad you’ve grown up a little and have seen the light.
I love it! There’s not enough smiting in the world today. I hereby vow to use the verb “to smite” or some derivative thereof, at least once this week.
Excellent. Having used the word ‘forthwith’ to such chuckle-worthy effect in your latest post, I’m convinced your mission to slip in some conversational ‘smite’s will be delicious! I’d love to hear the results.
Thank you for reading it! Smiting will feature forthwith.
I love this and especially the pictures to 🙂
This is brilliant!
This is great. I can really relate to this.
very well written:)
Reblogged this on tapastango.
Lovely post – well written and cool comics. Weasel Face reminds me of a guy I know who I just might punch in the near future. If you change your mind and want to take a small step to end world poverty, check out my blog about girls’ education: 30 by 30 – Reflect back, Pay it Forward
Thanks, Rita. Your blog about girls’ education sounds great! I’d love to have a look at it, but it’s not linked to your Gravatar, and I couldn’t find it through a search. Post the URL here if you like 🙂
Reblogged this on tentninja's Blog and commented:
Very interesting 🙂 vigilante style!
Oh how I have wanted to do that so many times before. The annoying, awful people in the world need to be punched in the face more, in my opinion, so kudos to you for actually doing it.
Fantastic!
i enjoyed this piece very much. thank you