Slaying Santa

Now that Christmas is in sight, I am once again readying myself for The Conversation.

It won’t be the first time I’ve had to do it, but it never gets any easier.

Each year they ask me about it, but no-one actually wants to hear the answer. As soon as the first sentence leaves my mouth, they swell with outrage, they call me a Grinch, they tell me I’m No Fun At All.

Mind you, these aren’t my kids we’re talking about – these are my friends and acquaintances. Typically they’re people with younger children, and they’re weighing up the best time and way to break the news about Santa in their household.

They ask: “When did you tell your kids?”, “What did you say?”, “How did they react?”

But I’m no help whatsoever, because I’ve never been in that situation.

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More adventures with eyeballs

Damnit! I should never have written that story about 3D glasses. Now Cyclops, the god of corneas, has vehemently expressed his displeasure.

You see, I used to wear glasses of the Extremely Correctional kind. But three years ago I had laser surgery, and bingo! My naked eyes could suddenly make out individual leaves on trees that were way over there.Cartoon of a girl whose eyes look tiny behind her very thick glasses.So when I went to a 3D movie the other week, I slid the cinema glasses onto my nose easily and contentedly watched the movie in sharp resolution.

The simplicity of it reminded me of all the times I used to struggle with half-an-octopus worth of glasses arms at the cinema.Cartoon of a girl wrestling with an octopus on her head. So that’s what I wrote about.

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Holding out for the zombie apocalypse

A couple of years ago, I had to wear a branded t-shirt for a work event and my choice was limited to an extra-small or an extra-large.

Since I’m neither of these sizes, I tried them both on. I planned to choose the shirt that looked least terrible and, more importantly, the one that was easiest to move in – since it would be a busy, running-around kind of day.
Cartoon of a girl in a t-shirt so big it comes down to her feet.
That turned out to be the extra-small one.

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3D cinema for the optically challenged

Wearing two pairs of glasses at the same time can be tricky. So, if you need glasses for everyday seeing-activities and want to catch a 3D movie, you have to adapt to the challenge.

Cartoon of a girl with glasses on, holding 3D glasses in her hand.

Here are three methods I’ve road-tested, with varying degrees of success:

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Predilection for fiction

Cartoon of a garbage bin with high heels, books and cans inside.

I have a friend who no longer reads novels.

She used to, but that was before we knew each other. When we met, she had a pile of books stacked next to her coffee table, up to the height of my thigh.  She’d read all of them, except the one on top, which she’d gotten partway through and stopped reading – not only it, but all fiction, altogether.

A few months back she did a spring clean and the books disappeared along with the expired cans of food, obsolete paperwork and an incredible array of shoes that were easy on the eye but extremely unkind on the feet.

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The knuckle sandwich epiphany

Back in the days Before Technology, when I was growing up, we entertained ourselves by interacting with other kids.

This usually involved riding bikes or climbing trees, making up games or going to imaginary places. But sometimes we’d talk about Really Important Stuff like –
Cartoon of a kid saying, "If you could wish for anything in the world, what would you wish for?"I would nearly always answer –
Cartoon of a little girl with a halo above her head saying, "World peace."

Or sometimes –
Cartoon of a little girl with angel wings saying, "An end to world poverty."Keep in mind, it was the 80s.

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The pursuit of sportiness

As a child, I had the misfortune of being labelled the brainy one. My younger brother scored the accolade of being sporty.

Don’t get me wrong, I saw my smartitude as a wonderful thing. When I grew up, I wanted to become a doctor and get a PhD and end world poverty. But I was less thrilled that braininess seemed to rule out the possibility of having any sporting prowess whatsoever.
Drawing of a little girl in school uniform getting hit in the head by a soccer ball.

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